The Ballad of Gay Tony: A Keeganalysis

Do you think I cheated on the title? I feel like I sort of cheated on the title. Anyway.

I think it’s time this blog found a theme, because obviously I have been having difficulty finding things to write about, and a unified theme should help with that. By way of further excuse, I’ve also been working on a short story, which will not fit with the theme I will announce one paragraph from now, but I’m still probably going to post here when it’s done.

For now, though, let us discuss, as GENTLEMEN, video games about violence, crime, and sex.

 

I recently completed the latest addition to the Grand Theft Auto universe, The Ballad of Gay Tony.

"Gay" Tony Prince, seen here doing his best Jeff Goldblum impression by resembling Jeff Goldblum.

 

In the Ballad you don’t actually play as Gay Tony, but as the latest homicidal psychopath with a heart of gold: his Dominican sidekick, bodyguard, and business partner, Luis Lopez. This is him:

In all the promotional material, he is dressed much worse than this.

 

One of the first things I noticed about El Balladino is that it is quite clearly an expansion pack, and not just downloadable content, and what I mean by that is not that it has a wholly contained story separate from the main GTAIV story (which it does), but that this game is stupidly difficult. This, to me, is one of the qualifications for an expansion pack. To whit: Remember StarCraft? Do you?

How could you forget meeeeeeeeeee?

Remember how StarCraft: Brood War was a lot harder? That’s what I’m talking about. Aside from the racing missions, every mission in this game is going to require body armor and a very big gun. Adding to the difficulty is the fact that missions are now ranked based on completion time, player/car damage, number of headshots, and a number of mission specific ones (for instance, did you knock the mobster out the window of the office building, or did you just shoot him like a loser?). They’re also very much over the top.

Prior to the game’s release, there was a decent amount of promise from Rockstar that this would be a return to the zaniness of the GTA3-San Andreas games, and they have delivered.

Examples of Zaniness:

  • Basejumping! (Zany!)
  • Automatic shotguns with exploding shells! (SO zany!)
  • Landing on top of a museum in a solid gold attack helicopter! (Major zany!)
  • Stealing a subway car while police helicopters attack you! (Overwhelmingly zany!)
  • DANCING! (Inappropriate.)

Speaking of inappropriate things, there’s a lot more onscreen sex in Das Boollad than in, say, any other GTA game, and surprisingly enough not one politician has gone insane over it. Both the dancing and nightclub management minigames can result in nightclub hookups, and one mission actually requires you to get a blowjob from an ex-girlfriend (I can’t remember the exact motivation, but in the end you have to shoot your way out of the nightclub where it happens).

I have a sneaking suspicion that the gratuitous sexing up of ladies is some sort of apologetics work on Rockstar’s part for the fact that one of the main characters is gay. I say this for two reasons: 1. The majority of characters in the game are vocally homophobic, and 2. The majority of people who play Grand Theft Auto games are, in all likeliness, vocally homophobic. It’s a complicated issue, and better left to those who are more interested and qualified in this sort of thing.

I’m interested in making fun of anime, and one thing that makes Automat Ballashnikov completely worth it is the new in-game TV show they added, “Princess Robot Bubblegum.”

I would upload other screenshots, but most of them fall under the category of "As wildly inappropriate as dancing."

 

If you have ever loved or hated anime, you owe it to yourself to look this up online and watch the whole thing. Or get Le Ballade du Toni de Homosexual, and watch it on your new HDtv, like I did.

 

Three thumbs up.

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