Keeganterviews

So I started watching Deadwood, because Ian McShane is a beast and to for a man to truly be a man he must study everything The Beast McShane has done (except for Seeker: The Dark Is Rising. That looks like shit).

This will be on the test.

This will be on the test.

Before exposing myself to the rampant moustacheculinity that flooded the Dakota Territories, all I really knew about the show was that it had cowboys, swearing, and swearing cowboys, but interestingly enough all the Adult Words are actually anachronisms: people didn’t say “goddamn” and “cocksucker” back then, they said things like “goldarn” and whatever the equivalent of “cocksucker” was. The reason I find this interesting is that it makes me want to grab an Oxford English Dictionary and learn when the word first gained a foothold in our most glorious and lofty of languages.

Cocksuckers aside, the reason I’m blogsmything tonight is this: I’ve applied for a couple open teaching assistant positions at my old high school, and am currently awaiting/hoping/praying/sacrificing goats for word of an interview. Last night, I watched an episode of Deadwood in which all the people in the camp are vying for positions in the ad hoc government they’re setting up, so all day I’ve been considering the differences between how they went about getting jobs (blackmail and namedropping and stabbin’ fellas) and how I do it (filling out pieces of paper, staring at my phone, and just a little namedropping). Rather than applying these lessons to my life, however, my day has been plagued by thoughts of things not to say at any interview I might get. Some of my favorites follow:

  • “So I’m allowed to make fun of the ones that like Twilight, right?”
  • “When did we start calling ’em tweens? That a technical term?”
  • “In general, I find ‘writing utensils’ to be very restrictive. I’ve found young people express themselves better through fingerpaints. I certainly do, as you can see on my application.”
  • “Oh, this tie? Authentic elephant.”
  • “Just to clarify, does the school have an official MILF policy, or are we allowed to play it by ear?’
  • “I envision it will be something like ‘Deadliest Catch’, but with teenagers.”
  • “From Jersey, originally.”
  • “I like to think of my mission as ‘Whoring out knowledge.'”

And finally, contributed by my friend, business associate, and heterosexual lover Joe Ban:

  • The Aristocrats.

That’s it for now. Stay tuned, because I’m pretty sure next time I’m talking about faith.

You should still be studying.

You should still be studying.

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  1. I like that I can hear you saying your possible interview sentences so perfectly.

    Also, I’ve worked “moustacheculinity” into conversation multiple times since reading this. Once was when someone called me while I was still reading it for the first time.

    And my wallet? Actually authentic elephant. Suck it, PETA. Also, those with any sort of moral systems. It was a gift. It would be rude to say no.

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