Ke(M)egan (Fox), or, Someone To Love (To Hate)

I’m pretty proud of what I did there in the title.

Recently, after seeing yet another commercial for Jennifer’s Body, the new film from Oscar-winning Juno scribe/burgeoning one-hit wonder/Megaman villainess Diablo Cody, I casually twootered the question if anyone else found Megan Fox skeevy.

The response has been a resounding yes, except for my friend Zach, who’s kind of  a whore anyway.

Because the responses are skewing slightly more negative than I intended, and because I see a pattern in readership that I can exploit like a thirteen-year-old Russian girl in the fashion industry, I’ve decided to expand on my thoughts regarding Ms. Fox. Also, it turns out that this is timely, because two days ago Fox revealed that she lost her virginity at seventeen, to a fellow actor. I assume this is only scandalous to people who’ve never been part of a high school drama department.

This is the new face of beauty

"Oh, Mr. Bay, you read about that... Hmm, I was hoping you were illiterate."

Like the rest of the world, I never watched Kelly Ripa’s show Hope & Faith, so my first exposure to Megan Fox was in a commercial for the first Transformers movie, specifically the shot of her hovering over Bumblebee’s fully exposed, innocent-yet-eager engine block. You know the shot I’m talking about. Though I don’t think this has clouded my subsequent opinion of her, in the interest of full disclosure I must admit that this did not cause me to be enamoured of Ms. Fox like it did so many others of my kind. Masturbatory aids are a mere keystroke away—in fact, the Buddha teaches that 68% of you have porn open in a separate window right now—but big budget movies featuring beloved childhood Giant Fighting Robots Who Are Also Trucks don’t roll down the street every day.

Sometimes they are Also Dinosaurs

Sometimes they Are Also Dinosaurs

Okay, so I guess I did go into the movie a little prejudiced against the presence of her character. But when the time came for our feckless hero Shia The Beef to gaze longingly at her during class, or wherever it is he first gazes longingly at “Mikaela Banes”, a revelation came to me: I simply was not attracted to this woman. Objectively, this made (and still makes) absolutely no goddamn sense. Everything in the film, from the plot to the dialogue to the the cinematography, was telling me, insisting that not only was Megan Fox attractive, but that I should be attracted to her. This was Megan Fox’s purpose, and something in me was unable to appreciate and respond to that. Maybe it’s because I’d already lived through high school, and knew for a fact that girls like her character (the overly worked-upon sort who hung out with all the jackasses) rarely had undiscovered depths of humanity and compassion, but that still only applied to the character she was playing. Plus, that wouldn’t explain my lack of physical attraction. (Would it? I don’t honestly know.)

I’ve said that I find Megan Fox skeevy, but I feel this is oversimplifying it. I find her artificial. This is a word that gets thrown around a lot with models and actresses, so let me clarify: I’m not talking about makeovers or crash diets or what have you, I’m saying that when I see an image of Megan Fox I get the distinct impression that everything in her life has been about cultivating a look, rather than just letting a look develop naturally. And that look is Angelina Jolie if you took away every remotely classy thing Jolie has ever done and slapped too much makeup on the result.

And therein lies the skeeviness: she’s turned herself into the poor man’s Angelina Jolie—who herself had to become a UN goodwill ambassador to lessen the air of skeeviness that to this day still sometimes manages to surround her—then gets outraged when people make the comparison (which happens a lot, as I first learned from a reputable source).

Plus, her face always looks too shiny. That can’t be right.

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